American Idol Season 13 Hollywood Rounds Week One

13 02 2014

LogoThe contestants have no idea that there is a twist this year in the audition process. Some people will have to sing for their life in an airplane hangar. The judges were divided on the talent of these people. I’ll give you the short version (my opinions):

Johnny Newcomb: I do not think it was good enough.
Connor Swetsch: I liked it; first time hearing her.
Ali Jane Henderson: I loved it; first time hearing her.
Caitlin Johnson: I did not like it. It was bad compared to the first three. I was not a fan of hers in the San Francisco audition.
Adam Roth (the sound healer): I still do not like his voice.
Tristen Langley (Nikki McKibbin’s kid): Not bad.
Morgan Deplitch: No for me; off pitch; last time in Austin she was too breathy.
Stephanie Petronelli (the cheerleader): I still do not like her voice.
Rich Lafleur: Goofed up.
Eric Wood: Liked it; liked him in Austin, too.
Alyssa Siebken: Not good enough.
Neco Starr: Liked him.
Khristian D’avis (aka fake-accent girl): No from me.

They were broken up into two groups. One group would be returned to the airport; one group would be going to the next round. There were 20 people in group 2 who were taken to the hotel. Among those going home was Caleb Hartsfield who is from my sister’s city of Asheville. Too bad; I liked his voice.

There are 180 people going into Day 2.

Day 2

On this day, they put them in lines of 10 and have them sing a capella or with an instrument. In the first line, George Lovett, Sandie Lee, Brandy Neely, John Fox, and Majesty Rose York were through to the group round. Going home were Jack Janowicz from the Omaha auditions, McKenna Dennis from the Austin auditions, Viviana Villalon also from the Austin auditions, and very surprisingly Samantha Calmes who was one of my favorites.

Out of the next group all we know is that Spencer Lloyd would be staying.

In the next group, I thought Austin Wolfe had a good voice. I loved Bria Anai‘s song. I did not like Selena Moreno‘s song, not just because she goofed up but she is not on the same level as some of these other singers. Going through to group rounds were Austin Wolfe, Jessica Meuse, Bria Anai Johnson, Shanon Wilson. Selena Moreno and Lauren Ogburn from the Atlanta auditions would be returning home.

In the next group, I like Sam Woolf but he may not be ready for Idol (at least this year’s talent) Keri Lynn Roche‘s song I loved. I was a “no” for Ayla Stackhouse. I adore CJ Harris. John Martin Davis and Ayla Stackhouse as well as another male who was standing in the forward line in a blue plaid shirt who I cannot identify were going home. Keri, CJ, Sam, and a few others I cannot identify by face are through to the next round.

Alex Preston, Sydney Arterbridge, Jesse Roach (Cypress, Texas), Brian Watt, Jade Lathan, Lindsay Bell, David Luning and a few others are in the next group. I loved Alex. Sydney’s vibrato bothers me. I liked Jesse. Brian has a nice voice but when I listen to him compared with the others, it is just not as good as some. Alex, Jesse and a few unidentified individuals have made it through to the next round. Brian, Jade, Sydney, David and Lindsay are going home.

Madelyn Patterson is in her own segment for #IdolHollywood or #IdolHome. I felt it would be #IdolHome as I did not enjoy it. Sixty percent felt she would remain in Hollywood and 40% said she would be going home, but she is through to the next round.

In the next group, they showcased Kenzie Hall and Quaid Edward. I don’t think Quaid is ready but he will get there at some point. Kenzie has such an interesting sound and niche in the competition. Kenzie is through and Quaid is sent home.

Then there are 10 people who make it through (but they were in a bunch of different groups). Ben Briley (I did not like this version of “Stars”.) Briston Maroney (Royals? This is a “no” on the song choice for me but the sound of his voice is unique). Dexter Roberts (The one I liked the best out of these three men). Rachel Rollier (I like her voice). Maurice Townsend (Wonderful). Casey Thrasher (Very nice. He did so much better than his audition). Tiquila Wilson (Loved her). Emily Piriz (I did not like her voice today). Malcolm Allen (Goosebumps).

Munfarid Zaidi from a close-by town of Sugar Land, Texas always adds the fun factor to the show. I think Idol needs at least one. I liked Ethan Thompson‘s performance. Austin Percario was okay. Love the rocker Caleb Johsnon. I think Stephanie Hanvey‘s performance to too affected. I loved Kristen O’Connor‘s solo. I also loved Emmanuel Zidor‘s solo as well as Briana Oakley and Jesse Cline. Keith London made an odd choice in song. I loved his voice but I agree with the judges. Allie Odom, Symphony Howlett, Olivia Diamond, Keith London, and Donald Reed are through to the next round as well as Munfarid, Ethan, Austin, Caleb, Stephanie, Kristen, Briana, and Jesse.

For the last line, Malaya Watson was up. I am not sure about her based on this song. I enjoyed Jena Ascuitto‘s performance. Savion Wright, a local Houston favorite (as well as my own), sang a song for his brother who had recently died (at the time of Hollywood week). On February 5, 2014, the Sabine County District Attorney released a statement that said he has turned the ongoing Alfred Wright case over to the Texas Attorney General’s Office. I love Savion. I had goosebumps. All three contestants are through.

Groups

Immediately, Casey Thrasher, Ben Briley and Dexter Roberts teamed up to form the Backstreet Cowboys. Austin contestants Savion Wright, Ryan Clark, John Fox and Madelyn Patterson teamed up. Matthew Hamel, Jessica Meuse, and Clark King teamed up. Clark was losing his voice. Matthew and Jessica found other groups.  Malaya Watson, Christine Collins, Olivia Diamond and Queen Bulls teamed up. Clark King decides to drop out.

Veterans from Season 12 of American Idol, David Oliver Lewis, Sarina Joi Crowe, and Tony Foster Jr. teamed up to form “Three More Days“. They choose “Too Close” by Alex Clare. It was lovely! Well done! But not everyone can go through and this time it was Tony’s turn to go home. He was genuine when he expressed a desire to know why so he could learn from the experience. I thought that was pretty wonderful instead of pouting and demanding to know why. Harry tells him that he looked at his feet too much. Tony has a wonderful attitude. I hope he comes back next year.

Dexter Roberts, Ben Briley and Casey Thrasher, the “Backstreet Cowboys” sing “I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys. It was the first country boy band and it worked. I loved it. All of them are going through to the next round.

Neco Starr, George Lovett and another individual did “Treasure” by Bruno Mars. I enjoyed this. Paula Hunt, Andrina Brogden and another unknown individual teamed up. MK Nobilette and Briana Oakley were part of another group and they made it through to the next round. Brandy Neely, Emily, and Kenzie Hall were all through. Spencer Lloyd, Megan Miller and Alyssa Siebken teamed up. Megan forgot the lyrics. The group fell apart. Alyssa was sent home but she felt that she was set up by the others.

Other people leaving after group rounds were Madisen Walker, Keith London, Austin Percario, Stephanie Petronelli, and Adam Roth. Tiquila Wilson respectfully quits; she does not feel this is the correct path for her.

The next group consisted of CJ Harris, Caleb Johnson, Tyler Ahlgren and Matthew Hamel also sang “Too Close” by Alex Clare. Caleb reminds me of the rocker Meatloaf. CJ and Caleb are through; Tyler and Matthew are sent home.

Members of the group “Collision” were all through. The group “Clarity” was made up of Jena Ascuitto, Sikenya Thompson, Munfarid and Allie Odom. Sikenya barely had a voice. She had lost her confidence. The judges encouraged her to push through and she did. Unfortunately Allie was the weaker link and someone has to go.

Savion Wright, Ryan Clark, John Fox and Madelyn Patterson sang “Royals.” I thought it was fine. But John J. Fox of Magnolia, Texas (the town right next to me) is going home.

The next group was Nica Nashae, Stephanie Hanvey, Cara Watson and Jessica Meuse. Stephanie’s mom was overbearing, trying to run the show. I really dislike stage moms like this. The psychology behinds it suggests that they are pushing their children to achieve recognition for themselves. They sing Beyonce’s “All The Single Ladies.” Stephanie was terrible and she goes home, not without some final words from mom.

Terrica Curry, Carmen Delgina and Emmanuel Zidor teamed up to become “Love’s Angels.” Only Emmanuel makes it through.

Loud & Fierce members Malaya Watson, Queen Bulls, Christina Collins, and Olivia Diamond did not do very well. Out of all of them I liked Malaya’s performance the best. They, however, are all through.

At this point 77 contestants remain. Solo rounds start on Wednesday, February 12.


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Categories : American Idol, Fox Shows, TV shows

Glee: Farewell to Cory

9 10 2013

I cry every time I watch the promotional clip of the Glee episode that will pay tribute to Cory Monteith on Thursday, October 10, 2013. Cory, who played Finn on the show, died of an accident overdose on July 13, 2013. The final coroner’s report was released last week.

To tell you the truth, it isn’t a particularly good week. It is the anniversary week of several people who have died. This morning I was informed of a dear person’s passing. I cried all day today.

Part of me does not want to watch this episode. I happened to catch the pilot episode of Glee playing on a local station right at the point when Finn starts singing “Don’t Stop Believing.” Quickly, I turned it off. I did not think I could watch the first two episodes of this season, but I took a deep breath, hit play, and I was okay with it. I knew on some level that the show–the actors, the production staff and others–found a way to muster the strength to bring us a story without falling apart.

From reading sources on the internet, it appears that they are not going to say why Finn died, just that he had. They did not want to exploit the situation. I respect that decision. It could have been a vehicle, however, to show that good people wrestle with demons, or maybe that Finn dies of alcohol poisoning, something that is becoming a problem on college campuses across the country. One of the last scenes we see are him and Puck partying at college.

I will bring my tissues and show my support to the show. They had to share some of their grief to us publicly. That takes courage. We all need to find some.

RememberingCory

Related post: Reflection on Cory Monteith


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Categories : Fox Shows, Glee, TV shows

Reflections on Cory Monteith

15 07 2013

There are some deaths that you hear about that hit you in a vulnerable spot sometimes more than others. It does not seem to matter if you knew the person or not. I had a moment like that when John Ritter died. To this day, I am not even sure why. After tweeting for hours about the injustice for Trayvon Martin, thinking about a child who died that did not have to die, news came in that a “Hollywood star” had died in Vancouver. Then it was rumored that it was the star of Glee, Cory Monteith. I watched the Vancouver Police Department’s live conference feed on their web site which confirmed this. It compounded the sadness of the day. Speculation arose that perhaps he died of a drug overdose since he had been battling these demons and went into rehab earlier this year. I pray that it was something else–maybe a brain aneurysm–maybe sudden cardiac death–anything else but drugs. An autopsy will be done today, Monday, July 15, 2013, although I do not know if they will necessarily have the results.

Twitter was abuzz with tweets from people who knew him as a friend, knew him as a colleague, or people who met him at one time or another. His co-star Lea Michelle and he were in love with rumored speculation that they were engaged (although no statement had been released saying such). When he checked himself into rehab, she stated, “I love and support Cory and will stand by him through this. I am grateful and proud he made this decision.” Based on the Twitter response from those who were friends or worked with Cory, his behavior was quite the opposite of a typical person using drugs (self-centered, erratic mood swings, careless about grooming). Indeed every time you saw him in a public forum, he always emanated a light that surrounded his being, an aura that was unmistakable.

CoryLea

Recently I saw him in a Masterchef episode where the contestants cooked for the cast of Glee. He was playful with them. He got to carry the flag for the team that won–the red team.  You can watch the entire episode here.

CoryMasterchef

Cory is carrying the winning flag for the red team

CoryMasterchef2

Cory holds the winners’ flag

CoryMasterchef3

Cory with his trademark cool shades

CoryMasterchef4

Cory enjoying his meal.

CoryMasterchef5

Cory teasing the contestants on Masterchef

Long before Glee, I knew of him from the Stargate series (both Stargate SG-1) and Stargate Atlantis. He was not a big star then, but I noticed that the camera just loved him. There was something about him–something you could not quite put your finger on.

CorySG1

Cory playing a young Colonel Mitchell in the episode “200” on Stargate SG-1

CorySG1A

Cory in another shot on the show Stargate-SG1

CorySGA

Cory playing a Genii soldier on Stargate Atlantis in the episode “Storm” from season 1

The character of Finn evolved into one of the more complex people on the show. When the writers put Finn on a course of becoming a teacher, you knew that perhaps they were grooming him to take over for Matthew Morrison’s character as the new teacher at William McKinley High School. The question will be how do they write these tragic circumstances into the Glee storyline? It has been renewed already for 2 additional seasons and I do not know how far in they are filming season 5 yet. There was going to be a long hiatus with a “creative twist” long before these tragic set of events unfolded. Is it better to just have the relationship end off screen for Finn and Rachel so Lea does not have to pour the real-life grief she is feeling into a scene where Finn suddenly dies on the series? Time will tell.

In the meantime, we are left with that fact that someone so young and so vibrant, a talented young man who has had great success in his career, who was adored by so many around the world, tragically died. The cause of death does not matter. It does not change the fact that he is gone. The world has become less bright without him in it.

CoryPeople

Rest in Peace Cory. The world will miss you.


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Categories : Celebrity Corner, Fox Shows, Glee

Immortality and Legacy

14 01 2012

Immortality on this earth would be something I would gladly choose if I could stay the way I looked at 25 years old forever with the wisdom of who I am now. It would be sad to see family and loved ones die, but despite my incredibly dysfunctional first half of my life, it’s been a blast. There was so much more I want to do. So many careers that take many years to learn. So many arts to master. So many places to visit. So many people to meet.

Me around age 27

Hilda at age 25

Knowing this was unrealistic in at least my lifetime, I had the next best plan. I was on my way in my youth to becoming the first Air Force woman combat fighter jet pilot, who was also a medical doctor, who then applied to the space program and became the first woman astronaut who flew the Mars mission or lived on the moon base. Then I would work in third-world countries where I would spend the rest of my years eradicating the diseases of the world, of body, mind and spirit, where in my spare time I would learn about people’s religions and cultures as I moved from village to village all over the world. I had no desire to get married. The children of the world I would informally adopt. I had a strategic plan to achieve all that. I wanted to find a way to eliminate poverty, to free the world of prejudice and hate. I wanted to be a blazing comet that set the world on fire, a world that would remember me for leaving it a better place before I departed. But as a teenager with a strict plan, you don’t plan on curveballs.

Hilda at age 25

In 2011, I had an unusual number of friends pass away. In October, after one of them passed away, I became more acutely aware of the need to be more proactive in some of my friendships I had neglected. Although we were in contact by email, phone and Facebook, my friend, Diane, had become unable to drive. Since 2009, I have wanted to drive over to Channelview to meet her for lunch, but my health was not good and I found myself too busy fighting with school districts to take what seemed like a very long drive (I thought it was closer to Beaumont for some reason) to see her. I knew the holidays were coming. I barely had time to schedule a kidney biopsy in the month of December before the year ran out. I promised her that after the holiday madness was over, we would pull out the calendar and figure out which weekend she was on call and which weekend I was on call and get make a date for the one of the other two weekends (we both worked for the same company, her since 1993, but I had known her since at least 1989 or 1990).

She celebrated her birthday on Thursday, January 5. Although I knew that she loved Hoops & Yo-yo from Hallmark, I wanted to surprise her with something else and got her a Darth Vader card. Then it occurred to me that I did not know if she had even WATCHED the Star Wars movies. Having confirmed she saw the first one that was all she needed to know to understand the card. Thursday night I became unwell. Saturday an email awaited me. I was in bed until Monday afternoon. At 3:20 p.m., I scanned through my emails upon which time I saw the email that let me know my friend, Diane had died on Saturday.

Diane was a star in the sky. She lived in this area all of her life. She had a huge family. She was many things to many people–mentor, educator, teacher, sister, daughter, aunt, great aunt, and friend. She talked about her nieces and nephews and then great nieces and nephews with such love and pride. There were so many of them, it was so hard to keep them straight. I knew Diane before I got married to my husband. She was there when I got married, when I got pregnant and miscarried, when I got pregnant and had Patrick, when Patrick was diagnosed with autism, my journey with that. She was my ear, a person I vented to, my cheerleader, Patrick’s cheerleader. Once she got on Facebook, I talked to her more than my own sisters. In the past 2 years with Patrick at his new private school and the huge progress he was making, she “liked” every comment, and on some left “woo-hoo’s” and some beautiful notes that would make my heart either swell with pride or my eyes swell with tears of joy.

Brandy & Diane

She had a fierce sense of humor. As diabetes kept claiming more parts of her slowly, there came a point where a toe had to be amputated. She made jokes about it. She said, “Asked the podiatrist to trim my toenails but also asked him if he’d give me a discount since I now have only 9 toes. Actually he didn’t charge me anything as I’m still considered seeing him for surgical followup. Anyway, thanks for thinking of me and for the beautiful plant and for just being you.”

She knew, too, that my birthday is on St. Patrick’s Day. However, on February 17th, 2010 I received a birthday card (I think it was an e-card). I emailed her at 1:12 p.m. and said, “Thanks for the birthday card. The words I need to remember because in 20 minutes I’ll be at Patrick’s school. Just one teeny, tiny thing. It’s not until March 17. St. Patrick’s Day. But I will take it as a divine-inspired intervention that I need to be polite to these people today, don’t necessarily have to cave-in, but they aren’t to blame for the director being a bully. They are going to unfortunately be her victim as well if no one can get control of his individual. Think good thoughts. My stomach is in knots. I feel like I want to puke. I imagine I’ll be shaking uncontrollably by the time I come home.” At 1:34 p.m., an email arrived that said, “After I sent it, I realized it wasn’t St. Patrick’s Day yet! Maybe I just needed to tell you I was thinking of you?? Love, Diane.” We had many letters of correspondence like this.

For 45 minutes on Wednesday, people got up and shared perhaps 1 story they had about Diane. Or just stories in general. I didn’t realize we were going to do this so I was ill-prepared. For most people, they had people laughing. After 4 days of rain and flooding, Wednesday was 70 degrees and beautiful; the next day would usher in below freezing temperatures. If you were going to have to say goodbye to a treasured loved one, Wednesday was the best day to do it.

Diane’s niece Brandy did not recognize me until I said Patrick on Diane’s Facebook page, and then knew immediately who I was. Of course! That is why I am PBMom. I’m Patrick Bowen’s mom. (People always think it is Peanut Butter Mom).  But we immediately recognized each other when I entered the funeral home.

The entire drive home, I thought about my own inevitable death, what people might take the time to actually come to a service, what would be said about me. After Jeff returned home, I sobbed in his arms, saying that I felt like I had failed in this life because I did not become what I had set out to be. Some things I let go of by choice; some things because there was no choice.

A fan rendering of a concert performance.

He did not understand what I was saying. He said he spent his whole life caring too much about what other people thought of him that he could care less what people thought of him when he died. And I sat there not understanding how you could NOT care. Isn’t that what our purpose here is? Aren’t we supposed to make the world better while we are here (and I’m not talking about political differences, but the benefit of humanity in the interest of humanity, like elimination of hunger, poverty, homelessness, illness, etc., not the ideologies of how to achieve that)? Aren’t we supposed to want to be the next Bill Gates or Steve Jobs or Louis Pasteur or Marie Curie? With our blood line ending with Patrick, and unless autism is cured, he is unlikely to become a father since he is unable to take care of himself, we have no one to remember the stories of us to pass down to future generations so we have to find other ways.

Hamman Hall, Rice University, 1986-1987? during my "steroid" days that gave me Cushing's disease.

I know what Patrick’s purpose in this life is. He has changed the hearts of so many. He has inspired at least 2 young people to want to be teachers. He was the reason why I started the first special needs ministry ever in The Woodlands in 1998-2005 at St. Anthony of Padua and because of that ministry and the people who came forward to help, so many people who needed help were helped. I often felt like I was being Patrick’s conduit but also a conduit of hooking up those people who needed help with those people who could help.

The next day, Brandy posted on my Facebook page that she was going through Diane’s things and found a picture of Patrick and a picture of Jeff and me. I misread the note thinking it was a picture of all three of us in the same picture, something that rarely occurs. She responded: “It was a picture of your son when he was younger. It looked like he was playing in the yard and then there was a separate picture of you and your husband that she had beside the picture of Patrick. I knew immediately who it was but, to make sure I flipped it over because she always wrote who was in the picture on the back and the age of the kids or the year that it was taken. She had it in her family album. It was in amongst pictures of her great nieces and nephews. 🙂 “I honestly felt Patrick had been invited to Jesus’ table for dinner because I knew how she felt about her nieces and nephews. I responded: “I knew Patrick was special to her, but I never knew that. And knowing the immense love and pride she had for all of you, that she loved him so much to place him among you all. Wow. I miss her SO much. Thank you for telling me that. My love and thoughts are with you all today. It must be so difficult going through her things.”

And I burst into tears.

Is being Patrick’s conduit, being known as PBMom, such a bad thing? No, it’s not. But I would rather be the one who figures out the puzzle that is autism and/or cures it so not one more family has to go through this. Or perhaps stumbles upon the fountain of youth where I can become immortal and go back and do all the things I originally planned on doing.

Patrick-- The PB in the PBMom

What do you hope people will say about you when you pass beyond your earthly bonds?


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Categories : Metaphysical, Personal

Matthew’s Gift

13 12 2011

I was told I was going to have great difficulty getting pregnant. Once my husband and I were married we started trying to have a baby right away. I was surprised when it didn’t seem to take that long; however, my baby had died secondary to complications of triploidy in utero in my 2nd trimester in August of 1993. One day I went for my regular doctor’s appointment and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. I had no signs that I had miscarried so it was quite a shock. On the autopsy, they determined he was male. We named him Matthew Joseph (Matthew because it meant God’s gift, and Joseph because that was Jeff’s dad’s middle name). In just a matter of 5 years previous to this, both of my parents died, along with my grandmother and several other relatives. This grief, however, shattered my soul; a piece of me died with him. I had called my church for spiritual guidance regarding customary funeral rites for a baby that was not baptized, or if a baptism could be arranged, but no one returned my call; I felt abandoned.

Although soured on organized religion after this, I still had great faith. I often spoke to Matthew, asking him if he could just send me a sign to let me know he was okay and he could hear me. I knew he was in heaven, but there is another level of you that wishes you could have a conversation with them. I never even had the opportunity to hold him. Touching my lower abdomen, I whispered goodbye, as a tear fell from my eye as they put me under anesthesia.

We planned to go home to New York that Christmas. In the early part of December, Jeff and I talked about snow and how lovely it would be to see. Jeff reminded me that Long Island rarely got snow, and even more rare on Christmas. Without thinking I said to him, “Matthew said he would make it snow.” I have no idea why that came out of my mouth, but inside me, I just knew it was true. Jeff gave me “the look”, the one that said I was setting myself up for heartbreak, but didn’t try to dissuade me too much, only to say, “Don’t get your hopes up.” I looked at him with an unshakeable faith: It…WOULD…snow.

Early Christmas Eve day, his family gathered and opened gifts. Seeing the children opening their packages was heart-wrenching to me. I had to excuse myself quietly to the bathroom multiple times so I could cry, but did not want them to know I was tearful because I did not want to sour their Christmas experience.

The whole week the weather person said it was going to snow, then it wasn’t going to snow, then it was going to snow, and the final word was “definitely no snow.” Still I looked at Jeff and said, “Matthew said it would snow.” He remained quiet, knowing how much my heart was aching. I think he was preparing himself for the emotional mess that ultimately was to come when it didn’t snow.

His sisters had gone out to their friends’ houses. His mother, father, Jeff and I were sitting in the den in the early evening. The den was connected to the garage. We sat there, watching something Christmas-related on TV. After hearing what sounded like the automatic garage door opening, we were expecting to see one of his sisters walk through the garage door into the den. We waited…and waited. His parents wondered what was keeping whoever it was that just pulled up from coming inside. I walked to the window to see if maybe they were outside. Instead I saw it was snowing.

I gasped. “IT’S SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

If it had only been me who heard the noise of the garage door supposedly opening, I might chalk it up to wishful thinking. Jeff’s parents heard it, too. Had we not heard that noise, I would have missed the snow. None of his sisters had come home and would not for quite awhile.

Without a coat and without shoes, I ran out of the back of the house and let the snowflakes fall on my face, and I whispered, “Thank you, my baby. I love you. Merry Christmas.” I looked at Jeff and said, “Now do you believe?” He burst out in tears, happiness mixed with grief. Jeff’s parents looked at us like we were crazy. When we tried to explain, we sounded even MORE crazy.

It seemed to be letting up and I yelled, “Keep it coming. We’ll be right back.” I told Jeff we needed to go get our coats on to come out here to fully enjoy the moment. All of a sudden, it started snowing more heavily.

If anyone has seen a large-flake snowfall, the snowflakes seem to silently hit the ground. There is a sense of peace, awe and beauty surrounding nature’s majesty. Even the air is different, soft, like a whisper.

We went inside, bundled up, put on shoes and proceeded to go for a walk around the pond. We had a good talk, a good cry, and a good laugh. Our spirits were renewed.

Midnight Mass had never been more beautiful to me than that night. Matthew gave us one of the best Christmas presents we had ever received. Regardless of the circumstances of his death, he was my child and his life was significant for the short amount of time I had the privilege to carry him. Even in his death, his life continues to have significance. And I will always be his mother. The boundary between life and death can never change that. He will never be forgotten. His spirit remains with us…always.


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Categories : Personal

Patrick Turns 15

17 12 2010

At 11:57 a.m. today, December 17, Patrick will turn 15 years of age. It is a day worth celebrating, especially given the progress he has made since his diagnosis of autism when he was about 18 months of age. There were times then he retreated into a world of almost catatonia, where a low hum was the only sound coming from him. We used to call it his mantra chant. The path has been fraught with ups and downs. We were like ants on a mountain, fighting for every piece of territory gained, always being undermined by the elements. A parent would not give up on their child if they had cancer; they would seek out whatever treatment their child needed regardless of whether or not it was covered by insurance, regardless whether or not it would lead them to bankruptcy. Such is true of parents with kids with autism. The only difference is that the cancer (the autism) is a lifelong battle.

Patrick as a baby

 

True to our beliefs, we have mostly lived in the present for Patrick. I stopped blaming myself for his autism. They were not all happy days, especially during 2004-2010 when we battled the school district for every little thing; anger was the only thing to which they responded, so we used whatever was in our arsenal to help Patrick.

I cannot help by feel incredibly blessed by the miracle that happened to us. We made the decision to cut the school district out of his life, especially after listening to some digital voice recordings we made over the summer to see exactly what was going on in his classroom. Two teachers engaged in extremely unethical behavior. We had planned to homeschool him, but an opportunity arose for him to attend a private school in the area. In just a matter of 9 days, they accomplished more than the school district did in 6 years. I love the shock and awe coming from my friends and family as they witness his metamorphosis. In this Christmas season, it is the second best Christmas present we have ever gotten, the first being my son’s birth.

Patrick's first day home; getting acquainted with Sam, our golden.

We would not be good parents, however, if we did not think of Patrick’s future in some shape. In the climate of the current state of affairs in Texas, it does not look bright. There are some very grim statistics: Approximately 70% of kids with autism like my son (especially those who are considered nonverbal) will be sexually abused in their lifetime. Texas has the distinction of the notorious “Fight Clubs” in state institutions where the residents were made to fight each other for the entertainment of staff. In a report dated December 1, 2008, the Department of Justice sent a letter to Governor Rick Perry about their investigative findings. Texas lawmakers have known about the abuses and deaths in the system for years and never did a thing about it–until the DOJ threatened to cut off federal funding. In their report, they noted that between the fiscal year 2004 and the current investigation of 2008 more than 800 employees across all 13 facilities that serve nearly 4600 residents had been suspended or fired for abuse, neglect or exploitation of the residents. Over 200 had been fired in just the year 2007 and another 200 had been fired in 2006. Fifty-three residents in the state facilities died in just the year 2008. The state took legislative action, but things have actually worsened.

Our extended family all live out of state. As we age, so do our siblings. We cannot ask the children born to our siblings to take on the responsibility of taking care of Patrick as he ages if we are no longer capable of doing so. The sheer amount of information that would be required of them to understand is mind-boggling. The second hindrance is that the money does not follow the person. For example, if my husband and I were to die, if someone in the family decided to take on the responsibility of care, they would have to leave him in the state of Texas. If they took him to another state, he would go on the bottom of whatever waiting list that state had. It took 10 years for my son to get off the waiting lists in Texas; with funding about to be cut this year, the people still on the wait list are going to have to endure even longer waits. If we decided to leave this state to be closer to family, the same problem occurs.

People with disabilities face job discrimination. In November 2010, the Department of Labor released a report on job statistics for people with disabilities. The percentage of people with disabilities in the labor force was 21.5. By comparison, the percentage of persons with no disability in the labor force was 69.8. The unemployment rate for those with disabilities was 14.5 percent, compared with 9.1 percent for persons with no disability, not seasonally adjusted.

Stereotypes of the homeless and unemployed plague people with disabilities. Too many people conjure up in their minds a drunk or drug-filled person who chooses to live the lifestyle they do. In fact, in 2008 more than 40% of the homeless are people with disabilities. These stereotypes lead to cuts in state and federal funding that could help these people become contributing tax-paying citizens.

It is unlikely that Patrick will ever be on a cognitive level to ever become a father as he can barely care for himself. If Patrick was a girl, I would be able to obtain birth control pills to protect from the incidents of sexual abuse that might lead to pregnancy. Because he is a boy, a vasectomy as a method of birth control is considered controversial. This is different from the controversy of routine sterilization of people with disabilities in the past.

All these things lead my husband and me to the conclusion that we have to outlive our son. If we do not, there will be no one to protect him.

Me and Patrick; I could look at him all day.

As we celebrate all of his accomplishments today and rejoice in remembering the day of his birth, we keep a wary eye on his future.

Autism Awareness


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Matthew’s Christmas Snow

7 12 2010

Matthew’s Christmas Snow

I was told I was going to have great difficulty getting pregnant. Once my husband and I were married we started trying to have a baby right away. I was surprised when it didn’t seem to take that long; however, my baby had died secondary to complications of triploidy in utero in my 2nd trimester in August of 1993. One day I went for my regular doctor’s appointment and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. I had no signs that I had miscarried so it was quite a shock. On the autopsy, they determined he was male. We named him Matthew Joseph (Matthew because it meant God’s gift, and Joseph because that was Jeff’s dad’s middle name). In just a matter of 5 years previous to this, both of my parents died, along with my grandmother and several other relatives. This grief shattered my soul; a piece of me died with him. I had called my church for spiritual guidance regarding customary funeral rites for a baby that was not baptized, or a baptism could be arranged, but no one returned my call; I felt abandoned.

Although soured on organized religion after this, I still had a great faith. I often spoke to Matthew, asking him if he could just send me a sign to let me know he was okay and he could hear me. Of course I knew he was in heaven, but there is other level of you that wishes you could have a conversation with them. I never even had the opportunity to hold him because he was not whole. I remember just touching my lower abdomen, and said goodbye, as a tear fell from my eye as they put my under anesthesia.

We planned to go home to New York that Christmas. In the early part of December, Jeff and I talked about snow and how lovely it would be to see it. Jeff reminded me that Long Island rarely got snow. And without thinking I said to him, “Matthew said he would make it snow.” I have no idea why that came out of my mouth. But inside me, I just knew it was true. Jeff gave me “the look” but didn’t try to dissuade me too much, only to say, “Don’t get your hopes up.” I looked at him with an unshakeable faith:  It. Would. Snow.

Early Christmas Eve day, his family gathered and opened gifts. Seeing the children opening their packages was heart-wrenching to me. I had to excuse myself quietly to the bathroom multiple times. The whole week the weather person said it was going to snow, then it wasn’t going to snow, then it was going to snow, and the final word was that definitely no snow. Still I looked at Jeff and said, “Matthew said it would snow.” He remained quiet, knowing how much my heart was aching. I think he was preparing himself for the emotional mess that ultimately was to come when it didn’t snow.

His sisters had gone out to their friends’ houses. We were sitting in the den in the early evening. The den was connected to the garage. The four of us sat there, watching something Christmas-related on TV. We heard the garage door open, expecting to see one of his sisters walk through the garage door to the den. We waited…and waited. His parents wondered what was keeping whoever it was that just pulled up. I walked to the window to see if maybe they were outside. Instead I saw it was snowing.

I gasped. “IT’S SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

If it had only been me who heard the noise of the supposed garage door opener, I might chalk it up to wishful thinking. Jeff’s parents heard it, too. Had we not heard that noise, I would have missed the snow. None of his sisters had come home.

Without a coat and without shoes, I ran out of the back of the house and let the snowflakes fall on my face, and I whispered, “Thank you, my baby. I love you. Merry Christmas.” I looked at Jeff and said, “Now do you believe?” He burst out in tears, happiness mixed with grief.

It seemed to be letting up and I yelled, “Keep it coming. We’ll be right back.” I told Jeff we needed to go get our coats on to come out here to fully enjoy the moment. All of a sudden, it started snowing more heavily.

If anyone has seen a large-flake snowfall, the snowflakes seem to silently hit the ground. There is a sense of peace, awe and beauty surrounding nature’s majesty. Even the air is different, soft, like a whisper.

Jeff’s parents watched us thinking we had absolutely lost our minds.

We went inside, bundled up, put on shoes and proceeded to go for a walk around the pond. We had a good talk, a good cry, and a good laugh. Our spirits were renewed.

Midnight Mass had never been more beautiful to me than that night. Matthew gave us one of the best Christmas presents we had ever received. Regardless of the circumstances of his death, he was my child and his life was significant for the short amount of time I had the privilege to carry him. I will always be his mother. The boundary between life and death can never change that. He will never be forgotten. His spirit remains with us…always.


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