My baby in utero, Matthew Joseph Bowen, died at 20 weeks. Today was the approximate date of his death, although it could have been Aug 24; we are not quite sure. His due date was approximately Feb 18, 1994 and he would be reaching the milestone of being age 18 near Feb 18, 2012.
The milestone-age years are a little harder for me to cope. On top of the not so fun day I had on Aug 24, 2011, this one is going to be difficult.
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I see shadows of him in my house, go through in my eyes what I imagine would be a typical day with him, excited to be a senior in high school. He might be in love for the first time with a girl or a boy. He might have had his heart broken many times already. I think he would have been smart, charming, good at least 1 sport and play at least 1 musical instrument. He would have been caring of others, stood up for others being bullied, he would have respected authority figures. We would have started looking at colleges he wished to attend or alternate schools to create a profession.
But now, he has a very important job, being Patrick’s special guardian angel, and comes to me to support me through very difficult parts of my life. I feel his energy, the essence of who he was while still in my womb, and it has a unique signature that is not confused with any other possible thing.
I miss you, Matthew. I talk to Patrick about you and sometimes I wonder, when we say prayers, if you two are not giggling with each other, because Patrick is looking up in the air at something, smiling and giggling like it’s his little secret.
Please come visit your mother today; she really needs to feel your spirit. My first child and sweet boy, although I never got to hold you, I wait for the day that I can. Just come visit as you have before so I can take comfort that you are still there watching over us.
I allow myself to cry for you on just this one day; the rest of the year I serve to honor your memory by helping those grieving the loss of their children.
On this day, however, I await you.
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Ya succeeded, reaching for tissues..sometimes we forget that the ones that didnt make it to daylight, are still as important as those that did..Wishing you a peaceful day. and many hugs…xxx
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Tracy: Sorry I didn’t see this comment until now. I wound up in the hospital on 8/29 and I didn’t get out until 9/6. Thank you for your sweet comments.
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