At 11:57 a.m. on Sunday, December 17, 1995, you came into this world. Your birth was difficult. There were just a few months between 5 months and 14 months where I thought things were ironing themselves out. Life for your young 18 years has been grueling as you tried to navigate a world that overwhelmed you every minute of your waking day. My heart always aches for you. As your mom, I tried my best to try to make it better for you, like a mother putting a Band-Aid on a boo-boo. But your boo-boo is so deep and consuming that the task was just impossible. This was nothing I could fix and that has been the hardest thing for me to accept. I am not sure that I will ever be able to accept that you will not get to experience all the things my friends’ children will–college, a career, a significant other, marriage, children of your own. My faith in God is challenged at every turn. How could a God exist that allows you to suffer so much? God did not do this to you. I think it was a perfect storm of genetic predisposition and human errors. As what happened in my own life, God said, “Okay, this has happened to you–but trust me to find a different path for your journey.” Your path just happened to be through a tropical jungle that required a machete to move forward.
Either the day after you were born or the week after you were born.
I have no doubt that we have pursued every avenue that gave you the best chance to overcome your challenges. As my mind tries to focus on all the things you cannot do for yourself, all I need to do is watch the video from Son-Rise when you were 3 years old where all you did was “mantra chant” and turn pages of your book. There was very little eye contact.
I am so proud of all the work you did coming from your world into ours. How scary that must have been for you. I think of the scene from Lord of the Rings where the fellowship crosses the bridge in the Mines of Moria, all the forces around them trying to stop them from crossing.
Autism is the Balrog. YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!
I have described you often as my life teacher. I have thought that I was the conduit to help you achieve whatever your purpose is in this life. If it were not for you, I would not have created the special needs ministry at St. Anthony’s–the countless numbers of people who were helped that may not have been. Your life and struggles have been shared with thousands of people. There is no doubt in my mind that you have influenced some decisions they have made in their own lives. Perhaps they are grateful for things they never thought to be grateful for–like the gift of just eye contact. Because of you, I have met extraordinary people. I have achieved a superhero level of patience. I have become a warrior not only of your rights, but the social justice rights of all people. I have learned not to make judgments of people. I have more compassion. I have always had a survivor’s strength, but your issues caused me to find strength even deeper than I could ever imagine.
Patrick & me at his 16th birthday party.
The tears that flow so easily from my eyes today are a mixture of joy and pain. No parent wants to see their children struggle. I don’t know what our future together looks like, but as long as I breathe, I will do everything I can to make sure you have the best life possible and to help you fulfill your destiny in this lifetime.
The seas may be smooth or rocky, but we will navigate them together.
I love you pumpkinator. Happy 18th birthday!
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